If you are lucky enough to have great friends, they will tell you when you’ve ‘lost it. ‘ It hasn’t happened to me yet, which bothers me a lot about my friends. Last night, while bathing an area of my body that my young son called “chestals’ when he was four years old, I arrived upon a foreign object that at first felt like a band-aid. Closer inspection revealed that somehow a produce sticker from the avocados I was lovingly pawing around on at the local green grocer had fallen down the front of my dress and attached itself underneath my left ‘chestal.’ It had ridden around in there all day, suffered through the sweaty peeling of an avocado that was ultimately beaten into submission, resulting in my best guacamole ever. There was lots of tomato, chive, and cilantro chopping, along with much lime squeezing and seasoning shaking. That sticker was thriving and seemed to have no worries under these falling rocks that were gloriously soaking in a hot tub. My friends won’t find this story a reason to commit me to a safer place. In fact, they will tell you that they don’t know how to determine what will be the right broken moment because this kind of stuff takes place in my life all of the time. I try to be dignified and elegant; it just isn't happening. One gives up when strangers tell you on the street that your skirt is tucked into your stockings. Or that you have toilet paper comets on your shoes. Or worse, they are trailing from beneath the tail of a shirt. Many times I leave the house with one eye lined; the other completely untouched. This is not purposeful behavior. I am an accidental goofball who enjoys the discovery of nearly mated shoes, blue stockings that seemed to match that black dress at home, or eating from a plate only to discover that it belongs to my husband’s client whom I just met. I am the unintended the master of the malaprop.
My mother, on the other hand, is a deliberate scream. When profanity and poor taste jokes tumble out of her, my children who were punished for such things, often reminded her that we had a ‘Cuss Jar’ collecting twenty-five cents apiece for just such infractions. She would cavalierly pull a 20 dollar bill from her purse and coyly reply, “there you go, honey, tell me when that is all used up.” She has been known to throw bras out to the crowd from a runway on which she was modeling the clothing of a ‘fine boutique’ at a charity event. Belting show tunes from the top of a grand piano has become a signature end to evenings with her. But I must say that showing up at her 80th birthday party in nothing but a man’s tux jacket and fishnet hose, took away the breath of even her most faithful friends. Mom was amused. She killed that day. Recent illnesses haven’t snuffed her spark. She ferreted for cookies in the nude in the middle of the night during a recent visit to our home. My husband has learned to ignore “the little noise downstairs.” He now knows that it is not a burglar or a rodent and it’s best to stay tucked in bed rather than risk another detached retina. But, in case you're worried, there is nothing wrong with our Mamo Mame. She just knows how to work her audience. I almost forgot. Here are some other crowd-pleasers:
Top Shelf Guacamole
1 whole avocado
1 whole lime
10 or more small grape fresh tomatoes, chopped
½ teaspoon Tony Chachere Cajun Seasoning
3 Tablespoons chopped fresh cilantro
2 Tablespoons chopped chives
2 Tablespoons salsa (hot or mild; it’s your palate)
Mash avocado; squeeze in lime; add all other ingredients. Serve with tortilla chips. Serves 4
Baked Black Bean Dip
1 can whole Goya black beans
½ cup salsa (hot or mild)
¼ cup chopped cilantro
2 cups blend of four grated cheeses: monterrey jack, cheddar, queso quesadilla, and asadero cheeses
Bake in 425 degree oven for 20 minutes. Dip with tortilla chips. Serves 4
Luna Azul Martini (Blue Moon, pictured above)
Scale ingredients to servings
3 oz vodka
1/2 oz Blue Curacao liqueur
1 dash Angostura bitters
Pour the vodka, curacao and angostura into a cocktail shaker half-filled with cracked ice. Shake well, and strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with lemon twist and serve.
Blue Inca Martini
Flavored with tequila.
2 oz. Vodka
1 oz. Silver tequila
1 oz. Light rum
1 oz. Blue curacao
Pour all ingredients into mixing glass. Add ice, stir to chill and strain into chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with lemon twist or edible flower.
Bath Tub Sticker
Shop for avocados by rummaging mindlessly through the produce. Remain unaware and hope for the best.
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